Dead Inside, but for the Past
by CrowofStorms
Summary: Harry has been abandoned by all his friends and teachers, left alone and depressed. Twenty-five years earlier, his mother, Lily, is surrounded by jealous peers and somehow falling for a boy she never liked. But how can they help each other, and what does Dumbledore have to do with it? On indefinite hiatus. Sorry
1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

**ALONE**  


**A/N: This story is as canon as possible. I have added a few spells and items of my own to it, you will see those later. The only parts of the actual series it is definitely not 'compatible' with is the last chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and the point where Harry is (WARNING SPOILERS) "killed" by Voldemort and has the talk with Dumbledore. In this version Harry is a lot angrier with Dumbles and gets really annoyed at him for his manipulation.**

**This will contain spoilers from all seven books and a Harry Potter/Lily Evans relationship (That may make you think I am a little sick and twisted. Maybe I am. Sorry if you think so. Just give it a go if you're unsure). **

**It also contains Dumbledore bashing and maybe a slight amount of Ron bashing, Ginny bashing and Hermione bashing, depending on what you term it as.**

**Oh yeah, this chapter is basically angst. Sorry.**

**Rated M for bad language and possible lemon.**

**You have been warned.**

**DISCLAIMER: This story is being written for a non-profit purpose. I DO NOT own nor do I claim to own Harry Potter (As much as I wish I did. Damn is JKR rich). His world and all characters within belong to J.K. Rowling. However the plot of this story and any original characters belong to me. **

**Plus I have no money so suing me is kind of pointless anyway. I could probably give you a penny and some cotton wool or something.***

**(*Actual cotton wool not included) **

**[HARRY]**

Harry was walking along, fists clenched in his pockets, rain dripping over his leather jacket leather jacket and unruly mop of black hair. He sighed.

He was bored and depressed.

"What are you complaining about, you idiot," He told himself firmly. "It's your own fault you're like this. After all that stuff happened, you were the wimp who 'needed time alone'. You are such a pathetic weakling. Nobody wants you."

Least of all Ginny.

No. He shouldn't think about that. It just hurt him more.

He wasn't sure why he had Apparated to the Forest of Dean. He had just 'picked the first place he could think of'. He had always been infuriated when Hermione said something like that, but now he understood.

Hermione.

Now that opened a whole new can of worms.

Hermione had kept in touch with him for a while, but her break up with Ron distressed her and eventually they had drifted out of contact. Harry was fairly certain she was now dating Charlie Weasley, but it had been 8 months since the last time he heard from her. Ron had hit Charlie, accusing him of 'stealing his girlfriend'.

And that brought him to Ron.

For the first time in a while, Harry sniggered.

"Ha ha ha. Wow. He is such a prat."

Harry could understand finding solace in the arms of another, but MILLICENT BULSTRODE? Harry always knew Ron had next to no brain cells, but after this he suspected if they cracked his head open they would find air and fluff in the place his brain was supposed to be.

"Maybe they should take one of those brains from the Department of Mysteries and shove it into his skull," Harry muttered.

Still, there was no denying that the last time he had seen any of them, they had been happy.

Like Ginny. Sort of. Well, he hoped not.

Harry told his brain that he would like it to shut up now. It refused.

He was sure she was happy. After all, she had seemed _positive_ that she would be.

He smirked. Wouldn't it be a shame if Ginny wasn't happy? Especially since she _chose_ her new life.

Because by now, Ginny was married to Draco Malfoy.

Harry had no idea how their relationship had started. He didn't really care either. Not anymore. But it still stung. The fact that she had chosen _Malfoy_ in particular was ridiculous. If somebody had told him it would happen even an hour before Ginny told him, he would have laughed in their faces.

He guessed she was just a gold digging bitch.

Just as much of a bitch as Life was.

**[LILY]**

Lily was having an awful day. That bastard, Potter, had just tried to get her to go out with him.

Again.

She glanced across the table in the Great Hall where she was sitting for breakfast. Sure enough, there he was, grinning like a deluded imbecile at her.

Couldn't he just give up?

It had been over a year since that stupid event with Severus... no... Snape at the lake and she had told him exactly what she thought of him then. Why did he keep pursuing her?

Snape hadn't left her alone after that either. She really didn't know what had gotten into him. Since Potter had been made Head Boy, they had both become insufferable, Snape continually complaining that Potter didn't deserve it and Potter acting all humble around her. But she wasn't stupid. She could SEE him walking around jinxing people all over the place when he thought she wasn't around.

She hated it.

To think she would ever go out with him... ugh. And she knew what Snape wanted too.

A distant memory drifted to her.

"_**I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!**_

Yeah, that relationship wasn't gonna happen.

She sighed and reached for her goblet of pumpkin juice. As she sipped at it more thoughts began running through her head.

Yeah, James Potter was the nicest man she had ever met. She might ask him out someday. If she could pluck up the courage.

As she drank more pumpkin juice and imagined being happily married to James Potter, she didn't notice Professor Dumbledore smirking in her direction.

**[HARRY]**

Harry was still walking in the Forest of Dean. He was thinking about love and wondering if it would ever happen to him.

After all, all of his friends were so happy with their partners. Why couldn't he find someone who made him happy like that? Granted, happy was a relative term looking at the cases of Ginny and Ron, but at least they had _someone_.

While he, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Chosen One, the Man-Who-Conquered, He-Who-Defeated-He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Bane of Evil (How ridiculous was that? They just came up with that in _The Daily Prophet_. Ugh), the Boy-Who-Has-Way-Too Many-Nicknames, and He-Who-Inspires-People-To-Make-Stupid-Names-With-Lots-Of-Hyphens (Harry may have made up the last two) had NOTHING. NO ONE. He was alone.

And he hated it.

"Still, at least you have yourself! You can always talk to him!"

Harry snorted when he exclaimed that aloud. He was probably going just as insane as the Ministry had convinced the wizarding world he had been going in his fifth year.

Oh well.

He lifted his head and howled at the sky.

"So what if I'm insane? It isn't like I have anything to live for!"

Ginny had left him, probably because she was attracted to money.

His parents were dead.

Sirius and Remus were dead, along with Tonks.

The entire Weasley family and Hermione had cut ties with him after Ginny fed them some bullshit story about him being brutish and trying to rape her.

Andromeda Tonks refused to see him or let him see Teddy on the grounds of the same story.

Most of his old Professors at Hogwarts were dead.

Hagrid had disappeared with Grawp.

Luna and Neville were engaged and living somewhere in the USA: he heard that they had seen too many deaths in the UK to live there for a long while.

He had been fired from his job as an Auror for becoming too depressed to do anything.

Everyone else who tried to become friends or more with him didn't like him – they liked Harry Potter, not Harry.

They wanted the conqueror of Voldemort, not Hogwarts graduate.

He crouched down on the floor, wrapped his arms round his head and rocked back and forth.

He was alone.

**[End Prologue]**

**A/N: Hello people. Hey. How has your day been. Me? Yeah, good thanks. Can't complain.**

**Anyway, hi. This happens to be my first fanfiction! Hooray! Sorry if this chapter is a bit short, it serves as more of an intro as to why Harry feels abandoned, as well as containing one plot hint. This chapter is roughly 1,000 words (at a guess) without the author notes. Probably quite short.**

**Please review. Any kind, I am happy to get praise and/or criticism, they help me improve. Just please don't say stuff like 'Aw, this is SO BAD' without telling me WHY. I don't care if you say that kind of stuff, but say WHY it is so bad so I can improve. Thank you. **

**A/N 2: Hello again! I just made a couple of changes. I made this the prologue rather than Chapter 1. And one change in the first A/N. Bye!**


	2. Part 1, Chapter 1

**PART 1**

**MACHINATIONS**

Chapter 1 – The Diary**  
**

**A/N: Hello people. I decided to change something else in this story. I don't know the exact date of Dumbledore's job interview with Trelawney (When he hears the prophecy) so I changed it to before the events of this story if it wasn't already, and I also changed the prophecy so it specifically mentions the child of James Potter and Lily Evans rather than the vague mention it has before.**

**Just to address something. Yes, this pairing **_**is**_** rather weird and rare. That is, in fact, precisely why I am writing it. I am trying to write some of the less seen pairings.**

**DISCLAIMER: Just see Chapter 1.**

**[LILY]**

Lily was sitting in Charms, gazing dreamily at James Potter.

He had such a gorgeous face, and the way his hair was always so messy... It was so cute... And the way he always mussed up his hair... And the Snitch he always...

Then suddenly something inside her seemed to... break in some way

And then she was back in her right mind. And she was back to hating him.

What the hell had that been? She had suddenly gone from hating Potter, to completely infatuated, then back to hating him. That was weird. But where had all these dreams of a... ugh... wedding come from?

She shuddered. Just thinking about it disgusted her.

Why had that happened? She had to investigate. Somehow. Maybe. Not.

After all, these effects were like a love potion – Like _any _love potion. How was she supposed to find out which, and, for that matter, who had given it to her? The only thing she knew for certain was that it wasn't Amortentia. That worked in a very different way. But still.

That still left _hundreds_ of potions to consider – a new love potion was invented practically every month.

No, she had no way of finding out which potion it was and who had given it to her. But she would definitely keep an eye out from now on.

**[DUMBLEDORE]**

Dumbledore was busy cackling. Not that he cackled often. He was just trying it this one time. And he found it a marvellously refreshing experience.

Cackling aside, his plan was going perfectly. The prophecy had said the child of James Potter and Lily Evans, and there was no way Lily Evans would want to even _touch_ Potter without his plan.

Making sure the elves spiked her drink with pumpkin juice was a marvellous idea. She was Muggleborn, so didn't know anything about house elves (He hoped; but who would have told her? Besides, he kept it a closely guarded secret at Hogwarts, even keeping it out of _Hogwarts; A History_. The only people who knew were people who had been to the kitchens, and she didn't hang around with any of _them_.) , and would never think someone had spiked her drink as she would have seen no one handling it. It was perfect.

Now all he had to think of was a way to control the Potter boy when he eventually arrived. Hmmm... If he got him to somehow get the Potters killed... Activate an old ritual protection... Make sure the boy survived... Submit him to neglect... Yes... Then, he could sweep in, 'rescue' the boy, and have his undying gratitude! Yes!

Sometimes Dumbledore surprised himself with his genius.

Now, didn't Lily have a Muggle sister who hated magic? He remembered a letter from a few years ago...

**[HARRY]**

What could he do? There was no one left to love him, no one to like him, just acquaintances he hardly knew and enemies. Hell, _Malfoy _would be better than this loneliness. Not that he was going to befriend Malfoy. He wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole.

But still.

What could he do? It wasn't like he could wave his wand and magically fix everything. He remembered how naive he had been when he had first discovered magic. That had been quickly drummed out of him at Hogwarts.

Hogwarts.

Oh crap, Dumbledore.

The stupid, manipulative, old, coot.

Harry hadn't accepted HIS bullshit from that portrait. Good thing he had gone back to the Headmaster's office to look around after the final battle. He had talked to the portrait about the Hallows and everything. The damn thing had actually thought he was going to _keep_ those three damn objects. He remembered the tale of the Three Brothers. No way was he falling for the same bullshit one of them had. Of course he kept the Cloak, and he had wanted to keep the Stone but had lost it.

But the wand? No fucking WAY.

He knew what happened to people who kept objects of _that_ kind of power. Besides, he had just wanted his old holly and phoenix wand, and the Elder Wand was happy to oblige.

Not that it was actually happy. No matter what Ollivander said, Harry was doubtful that wands were alive.

Anyway, after slogging his way through that slough of bullshit, 'Hallows' this, and 'Hallows' that, he had finally managed to ask one question.

"Why?"

After that good old Dumbles had finally managed to listen to a question he asked, and had launched into a long and convoluted explanation, and Harry hadn't believed a word of it.

And when he finally managed to shut the old guy up, he noticed that the figure in the portrait had tensed up every time he went near it.

Ah, now _that_ had been interesting.

The bastard had been extremely nervous, and Harry had been determined to find out why. So when he had walked up to the portrait and opened the hidden chamber behind it, in the way that he had seen in the Pensieve when Snape did it, he had been very surprised to see nothing.

However, when he had looked back at Dumbledore's face, he knew there was something he had missed to make the old man so frightened he would discover it. So, pointing his wand into the safe, he had recited a spell (_"revelare coram caeca") _that would break wards for hiding objects, including invisibility wards and notice-me-not charms.

Several minutes later Harry had been tired from breaking quite a few powerful wards, but he was almost through to whatever was in there. Dumbles had begged him the whole way not to go into the safe so Harry thought he must be on the right track.

Finally he had managed to break the last invisibility ward and there had been an old, scruffy diary. Harry then cast a spell to let him detect any other protections that were on the book (_"videre omnes minas"_) and had found nothing. Old bastard had probably relied on those wards and his reputation to keep it safe.

However, he had detected something interesting around the rest of the room. There appeared to be a very strong compulsion charm, attached with a silencing charm, on some unknown thing in the room.

Harry had looked at the Manipulative Tosser.

"Dumbledore! Tell me what these charms are attached to, or I swear I will gather up every single one of your portraits and _Incendio _their asses off!"

"How rude!" one of the portraits jumped in.

"I... I... err... Harry, m'boy... you see... I... don't know what charm you're talking about."

Dumbledore had been practically stuttering, with a fearful glance towards the portrait that had jumped into the conversation.

Seeing this, Harry's gaze had sharpened and he had twisted around to look at the same portrait. He then had looked around at all the portraits, noting how their expressions were oddly... hopeful. And then he had remembered how the portraits were generally oddly quiet.

"Ah... I see... it's the portraits. It was the portraits all along."

And with that, he had grabbed the book and strode out of the room, promising along the way to bring Flitwick to break the charm on the portraits.

Harry looked down at the diary which was now in his hands and sighed. That was one promise he had never managed to keep. He had been too depressed by Ginny breaking up with him just after. Not to mention Flitwick refused to talk to him after that damn rumour... He still didn't understand why... why she would want a relationship with a jealous, greedy, aristocratic, haughty bastard than someone who could care for her.

Then again, he couldn't really care for her, Not since he had lost all his money by the goblins not agreeing to let him into Gringotts anyway.

He never did understand what _that _was about, either. He had paid from his remaining money to repair the damage to the bank, and had explained _why_ he had done it to the head of the bank. But they kept calling him an oath-breaker.

What did they even want? The bloody _Sword of Gryffindor_?

Oh. Right. That was what they wanted.

Stupid goblins.

He looked at the diary again. He had thought that he could find out all sorts of things about what Dumbles had done, but no, the old bastard had to thwart him again.

The diary was written in fucking _Gobbledegook_.

How the HELL was he supposed to read it while it was in Gobbledegook?

He didn't know anyone who could help him translate Gobbledegook, unless the goblins helped.

He snorted.

Yeah, that was fucking likely.

Still, maybe if he got the Sword of Gryffindor and gave it to them, they would forgive him. It was worth a shot.

Now, did Neville have it or did it go back to the Hat?

He would check with Neville first. He hoped it hadn't gone back to the Hat.

Still, it wasn't like breaking into Hogwarts was _hard_.

**[LILY]**

Lily had been keeping an eye out, and had detected at least five different occasions when love potions had been laced with her food or drink. Honestly, who wanted her to like Potter that badly? It was really, really, weird.

She hadn't even been able to tell anything about the potions, other than the fact that they were all designed to make her like Potter. She didn't think it was any student. This had the work of a master brewer all over it.

She remembered how Potter had been in her first year. All arrogant and cocky, probably just attracted to her because she was pretty and a good student. He didn't care about acting like that around her.

But, now he was completely subdued around her. It was like her presence made him docile. And before he used to look at girls other than her, but now he only looked at her...

It was pretty weird.

She wondered if he had been spiked with love potion too. She should test it.

"Miss Evans!"

A sudden shout disturbed her thoughts. She sat up straight and looked at the source of the noise.

"Miss Evans, are you listening to me?"

It was Slughorn. She guessed she had been daydreaming. It was only potions after all. Slughorn wouldn't mind.

"Yes Professor!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Professor. Sorry."

"That's alright. Can you stay behind after class for a few minutes please?"

"Yes sir."

Huh. Maybe he would mind.

The rest of Potions proceeded without incident, other than Pettigrew melting _another_ cauldron. Idiot.

After class Lily approached Slughorn's desk with a feeling of apprehension.

"You wanted to see me sir?"

"Yes. You seemed very distracted and out of sorts in class. Is anything the matter?"

"No sir... Well..."

Lily asked herself whether she could trust Slughorn. She came up with a mental shrug.

She thanked herself for the help and decided to trust him anyway.

"Actually, yes, there is. I've been finding love potions in my food and drink sir."

Slughorn leaned forward.

"Really? That is a very serious accusation, Miss Evans. Do you have any proof?"

"Well... no sir, but I have been testing my food and drink before every meal and generally finding some in there. I'll bring you a sample next time I find some if you want. I have no idea what type of love potion it is, other than that it is very complicated. A student probably couldn't brew this."

Slughorn nodded.

"I see... Do you know who they are meant to make you like?"

"Well, they are designed to make me like Potter. But I don't think he did it sir. He may be one of only three or four students who is possibly able to make this, but he is too honourable to do it."

"Ah. I should probably still check though. Who are the other two or three students?"

"Well, I could probably make it if I knew what potion it was. But I wouldn't drug myself. Black may be able to make it, but he is just as honourable as Potter. Sev... ah... Snape could almost certainly make it but as he has been stalking me for a while and hates Potter I wouldn't place a bet on it being him. None of the three are likely at all Professor."

"Okay. Bring me a sample of the potion and we will see where we can go from there. I may still have to question them, and you, under Veritaserum. Love potions are a very serious matter. I may also have to bring it to Dumbledore."

"Alright Professor. Thank you."

Lily left the class, her hopes that she would discover who was giving her the potions and _why_ would become clear.

**[HARRY]**

It had been two weeks. Two weeks of travelling around, looking for information as to where Luna and Neville were. Eventually he had just gone to the Ministry. That was where he was now.

He walked into the Auror office, where everyone stared at him. Harry Potter hadn't been seen there since he had been fired a month ago.

"Potter?" one of them called out. Harry had never bothered to learn his name.

"Yeah, what are you doing here Potter?"

That was Dean Thomas. He still hated Harry for what he had supposedly done to Ginny. Never mind knowing him for years, never mind realising that Harry would never do something like that...

Bastard.

Anyway, Dean was the catalyst for all of them to start yelling and shouting at him.

Harry shut them all up with a glare, walked over to the Head Auror's office and knocked.

A few moments later, the door opened and Kingsley Shacklebolt poked his head round the door. His eyes widened when he saw Harry.

"Harry? W-what are you doing here?"

"Hello sir. I need your help on something. I wouldn't have come here, but I had nowhere else."

"O-okay, er... come in then."

Kingsley opened the door after that and ushered Harry in.

"Now, what was it that you wanted?"

"Well, firstly I wanted to thank you. You are the only one who didn't believe that crap that Ginny Weasley said about me."

"That's alright Harry, I know you wouldn't do that. What perplexed me was why Miss Weasley would do that... Anyway, you said firstly. What else was it that you wanted?"

"Well, I needed Neville's help but I can't find him. The USA is a _big_ place. Would you happen to know where he is?

"Yes, I do as a matter of fact. Neville left his address with me, in case the Ministry needed to contact him. I am one of only two people in the Ministry he trusted, I am afraid."

"Who was the oth...? Oh. Right. Mr. Weasley."

Kingsley nodded.

"Yes, the other was Arthur."

Harry got up.

"Thanks for your help, Kingsley. I may not see you for a while, so... bye."

Kingsley was silent for a moment, as Harry walked to the door.

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Neville... he doesn't seem the type, but he may have believed Ginny. Be careful."

Harry said nothing, his expression grave as he walked out of the door.

**[End Part 1, Chapter 1]**

**A/N: Hello again! This chapter is a bit longer, 2,500 words without both Author notes.**

**So, I decided to split the story up into different parts, for the reason that it is easier to differentiate between key plot events.**

**I am bashing almost every character in this story (But Dumbles mostly). This isn't because I hate them. It is because I want Harry to be bitter, angry, and desperate with nothing left to lose. You haven't really seen much of this yet, seeing as his only meaningful bit of interaction is with a character who has believed him.**

**Oh, speaking of that, you may be thinking that he's just being melodramatic. Nuh uh. EVERYONE hates him as far as he is concerned, except Kingsley. And Kingsley isn't exactly a friend more of an acquaintance/boss. Let's not forget Kingsley had to FIRE him for becoming really depressed, not seeking help and not doing anything.**

**The reason everyone seems to hate him is that the story of his 'attempted rape' is in the newspapers, so everyone knows. And almost no one believes him. Yes, he can prove himself using Veritaserum (and/or magical oaths; yes those are in this story), but he hasn't because as far as he is concerned, all of his friends didn't believe him. That is a betrayal in his eyes.**

**So, right now, all Harry has to live for is finding out what Dumbledore wrote in the diary. So Merlin help anyone who gets in the way of **_**that**_**.**

**Erm, right. Sorry for the massive info dump. And sorry that the last chapter was basically angst/info dump (again). I'm trying to get into the actual plot now.**

**Please go easy on me, this **_**is**_** only my first fic and I am doing my best. Thanks.**


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